a technicolor jouney to nowhere
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Thursday, December 30, 2004
*sigh*please someone kill me now....danny you promised you would....either that or better yet just blow up the world cuz it's so screwed up....sorry for the pessimism but i can't really help it....seeing my friends in pain and not being able to fix it really gets me down....plus i'm still just not very happy in my own life right now....and i can't even talk to the only person who might be able to make it better cuz i just can't find the words to say how i feel....besides even if i could he probably would care anyway cuz he's moved on and i'm left here alone....w/e....must sleep....hopefully the tomorrow will be better....night all
from the city of dumb ppl who gossip too much and ruin other ppl's lives,
Joy
Current mood:  cynical Current music: aqua teen hunger force...gotta love meatwad
Monday, December 27, 2004
yup that's me....wow i love christmas....not because of the food or the gifts or the songs or the traditions.....don't get me wrong i do love all that stuff....but because it always reminds me of how blessed i am....like there have been alot of things in my life that have really not been good....but through it all i have had a roof over my head and food to eat(even if it came from the cafeteria *bleh*)....not that i'm happy w/ my life cuz i'm not....but i'm happy w/ the material things in my life....i had nothing i really wanted for x-mas (except the third invader zim dvd) and i look @ other ppls list of what they got and realize that i didn't get as much.....but on x-mas morning after we were all done opening gifts i sat back and was like wow this is more that i asked for or wanted....it made me really thankful.....and it let's me know that @ least one part of my life is ok....yeah i'm making no sense again....anyway....i'm also grateful that 2004 is almost over....as i’ve told several ppl 2004 was both the best and worst year of my life....but in only 4 more days it’s all over...and i know 2005 won’t be all i want it to be....but it’s the possibility that it could be that is so great...well now that i’ve made myself look like a total dork...it’s ok cuz you all already knew that about me anyway...h-town bizzin’ out
not from the city of brotherly love cuz i'm finally home,
Joy
Current mood:  grateful Current music: "are you happy now"-michelle branch
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
hell yeah....that would be my gpa for those of you wondering about the title....that's right i got my grades and they're way better than i thought....take a look....
Intro Mass Media B
First Year Odyssey B
Global Hist To 1500 A
Math:Myths & Realities B
The Christian Tradition A
i kinda feel bad cuz i know i didn't earn those grades....i slacked majorly the second half of the semester.... i kinda think my professors gave them to me out of sympathy....cuz of my ADHD and they all knew i was worried about keeping my scholarship....chris says i should just take the hand out and move on....i think maybe i'll listen to him for once....see chris i do take your advice sometimes....when it's good...jk it's always good....i'm usually just too stubborn to take it....anyway....
i also just talked to kristin....i was very happy to see my little jellyfish....we chatted for awhile on allyson front porch....good times....hopefully i'll see her again before i go back east....but everyone is so demanding of my time....i've been here since saturday and the only person i'ld really seen was becky and now today all of a sudden everyone wants to hang out....lol like they say when it rains it pours....pobably has something to do w/ the fact that no one knew i was home till today....w/e.... anyway i'm bizzin' to go help becky wrap stuff....peace out ya'll
not from the city of brotherly love cuz i'm finally home,
Joy
Current mood:  bouncy Current music: "she's the blade"-sugarcult
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
i'm not really a simple plan fan....and i know you're all thinking "god i wish she would stop w/ all the poor-me-my-life-sux-so-much routine" and you're probably right....oh well no one cares....just posting to kill time before daria is on....later
Current mood:  listless Current music: "in west philadelphia, born&raised"loving that fresh prince
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Lately (i've been watching you)
Been thinkin 'bout u baby
(and everything u do)
just sittin away watching the days go by (2x)
have u ever felt a breeze hit hard,
like the wind was blowing it apart
as you're spinning like a merry-go-round,
indications of a storm touching down
wish that i can wear the rain and storm,
but i guess it was heart break from the norm
was a day i will always remember,
the saddest day in sweet november...
Lately (i've been watching you) been thinkin 'bout u baby
(and everything u do)
just sittin away watching the days go by (2x)
baby i'm on my knees praying God help me please,
bring my baby back, right back to me
if lovin you was right then i don't wanna go wrong
so i drown myself with tears,
sittin' here, singin' another sad love song
Lately (i've been watching you) been thinkin 'bout u baby
(and everything u do)
just sittin away watching the days go by (2x)
Lately i've been torn apart,
i wish you hadn't broke my heart
i'm missin' you babe,
missin' you every day
Lately i've been torn apart,
i wish you hadn't broke my heart
i'm missin' you babe,
missin' every day
Lately (i've been watching you) been thinkin 'bout u baby
(and everything u do)
just sittin away watching the days go by (2x)
Current mood:  *sigh*
Friday, December 10, 2004
i got a story it's almost finished
all i need is someone to tell it too
maybe, that's you.
our time is borrowed and spent to freely
every minute i have needs to be made up
but how?
i'm looking for a nice way to say
"i'm out."
i want out.
i fall asleep with my friends around me
only place i know, i feel safe
i'm gonna call this home
the open road is still miles away
ain't nothing serious
we still have our fun
oh we had it once
but windows open and close
that's just how it goes
don't it feel like sunshine afterall
the world we love forever, gone
we're only just as happy
as everyone else seems to think we are
i'm in love with the ordinary
i need a simple space
to rest my head
and everything gets clear
well i'm a little ashamed for asking
but just a little helps
it gets me straight again
helps me get over it
it might seem like a dream
but it's real to me
don't it feel like sunshine afterall
the world we love forever, gone
we're only just as happy
as everyone else seems to think we are
you should see the canals are freezing
you should see me high
you should just be here
be with me here
it doesn't seem theres hope for me
i let you down
but i won't give in now
not for any amount
Current mood:  discontent
Wednesday, December 8, 2004
lol and w/ that said....
sorry about all the songs lately....i'm still recovering from november....the worst month in all 19 years of my life....music is a really good release for that kinda stuff....i'm actually making a whole playlist of all the music that has helped me get though this hellish time....so when it happens again,cuz you know it will, i'll be prepared....lol dumb and pathetic i know but w/e....if you guys have any suggestion by all means let me know....
i've also been too freaking busy to actually do a real post....and feel bad ignoring my journal....but ugh so many papers....and finals are next week....hope i don't have another case of killer test anxiety like w/ mid-terms.....
i'm actually almost looking forward to going home.....being single w/ fabi like the old days....going to mex w/ pancho *keeping fingers crossed*....driving around w/ denisse on "our road" sipping bubble tea and blasting red hot chili peppers lol....i miss you so much tb....hang out w/ all my friend i didn't get to spend that much time w/ @ thanksgiving....not having to worry about classes....it'll be a nice time....but i'll really miss my east coast friends*tear tear*....
yeah so thats my life....i'm trying to move on but i'm still in love and that doesn't matter so w/e....i need to do work but i'm procrastinating as usual....i actually wanna come home and thats a good thing....and now i must be getting back to that horrible thing i call work.....oh btw....
9 days till the end of my semester(thank god)
10 days till i'm home again (wow that's soon)
17 days til christmas(*yay* eggnog)
peace out bitcheeeeeesssss....
from the city of brotherly love,
Joy
Current mood:  busy Current music: "What You Waiting For?"-Gwen Stefani
Here, here i am again
And im starin at these same four walls
Alone again
And now, all the colors blend
And im growing numb and I've become
This empty page
Hold on, its tragic
Stumbling through all this static
I just wanna talk to you
And my broken heart just has no use
And I, I guess promises are better
left unsaid, yeah
Everytime you try to tell me
You say the words that im the only
But I'm the one who's crawling on the ground
When you say love makes the world go 'round
My love, look at what you've done to me
For someone who has felt so strong
It's amazing I'm completely gone
Hold on, its tragic
Stumbling through all this static
I just wanna talk to you
And my broken heart just has no use
And I, I guess promises are better
left unsaid, yeah
Everytime you try to tell me
You say the words that im the only
But I'm the one who's crawling on the ground,
When you say love makes the world go 'round
If that's the kind of love you give me
I'd rather be alone, believe me
It's not the way you 'posed to treat me
I'd rather walk away
I just wanna talk to you
And my broken heart just has no use
And I, I guess promises are better
left unsaid, yeah
Everytime you try to tell me
You say the words that im the only
But I'm the one who's crawling on the ground,
When you say love makes the world go 'round, yeah
You say love makes the world go 'round
Everytime you try to tell me
I dont care you're not the only
Dont you know I'm coming back around
Cuz I say love makes the world go 'round, yeah
Cuz I say love makes the world go 'round
Sunday, December 5, 2004
so yeah no time to write lately cuz of papers and stuff....i'll tell you how much things have sucked later when i actually have time to breath let alone write....anyway hope you're all ok....my msn isn't working but give me a call....distractions are welcome....cuz i no longer care....apathy=bliss....however apathy also=losing scholarship....i hope not but w/e....well gtg....later
Current mood: blank Current music: "goodbye to you"-michelle branch
Here's the thing we started off friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone
You dedicated you took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Yeah
Since you've been gone
And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say
But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since you've been gone
How can I put it? you put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone
How come I never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way
But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
I get what I want
Since you've been gone
You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again
Since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get
I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know)
That I get
I get what I want
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone
Current mood:  apathetic...eww it's ugly
Wednesday, December 1, 2004
i'm not doing good guys....actually right now i'm alot better than i've been lately but just wait until tonight when i'm STILL trying to get this reearch paper done....then it'll be ugly....plus i haven't been going to class lately....pray that i don't fluke out and have to come home with all that shame....i really don't think i could handle that....anywho yeah gotta get back to work....aren't you proud of me faylan, i'm doing my work w/ you constantly telling me to.....and w/o my mom constatly telling me to either....i'm completely self-motivated for once....and i'm gonna stop procatinating now.... oh wait funny story....today i got a package from my grandma....hand-made scarves, how cute is that....that's not the funny part though....so i'm trying to open the package and i dropped my scissors under my desk and when i leaned down to get them i hit the edge of my desk....hard....so yeah i'm gonna probably end up w/ a black eye....fun huh?....anyway, so yeah the airhead moment of the day: i got in a fight w/ my desk....and lost....lol....ok, i'm outie
from the city of brotherly love,
Joy
Current mood:  anxious Current music: "i'm a terrible person"-rooney
I don't feel the way I've ever felt.
I know.
I'm gonna smile and not get worried.
I try but it shows.
Anyone can make what I have built.
And better now
Anyone can find the same white pills.
It takes my pain away.
[Chorus]
It's a lie. A kiss with opened eyes.
And she's not breathing back.
Anything but bother me.
(It takes my pain away)
Nevermind these are horrid times.
Oh oh oh
I can't let it bother me.
I never thought I'd walk away from you.
I did.
But it's a false sense of accomplishment.
Everytime time I quit
Anyone can see my every flaw.
It isn't hard.
Anyone can say they're above this all.
It takes my pain away.
[Chorus]
[Guitar Bridge]
I can't let it bother me.
[Guitar Solo]
It takes my pain away.
[Chorus]
Current mood: working Current music: "Pain"-Jimmy Eat World
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
i thought i was gonna update earlier but then i realized i had nothing to write about....but w/e no one cares so here it goes....i had kinda a crappy morning....chris knows cuz he had to put up w/ me and my bad mood during the show....my mood improve w/ nap....sorry again chris....went to dinner w/ a HUGE group of ppl....the girls and like all of 3rd hill(chris' floor)....it was fun....came back put up all the stuff i brought from home to cover my ugly prison-like walls....thanx again megan for the poster and stuff....watched shrek 2 instead of working on my research paper that's due thursday that i STILL haven't even started....yeah i'm gonna fail it sux but w/e....and now i'm still procrastinating by writing this....so that was today
i'm actually really glad to be back in philly....don't get me wrong i love cali and i miss all my west coast friends....but thanksgiving break didn't go like i wanted it to....i didn't get to see everyone and i didn't spend alot of time w/ certain ppl that i really wanted to....and other ppl who haven't talked to me all 3 month i've been gone wanted to monopolize my time....that kinda pissed me off....especially when they would get mad that i was spending time w/ other ppl who actually had talked to me while i'ld been gone....anyway none of them read my journal so if your reading this don't worry it's not you....anyway....i hate to say it but in a way i'm not looking forward to going back....maybe i'm just in a crappy mood again....well time for sleep....sorry the post is so f-ing boring....later
from the city of brotherly love,
Joy
Current mood: eh.... Current music: "around the world"-red hot chilli peppers
Monday, November 29, 2004
Here. A little sympathy for you to waste on me
I know you're faking it but that's okay
And I don't want to drag it out
Don't want to bring you down
I never wanted it to end this way
Even if I wanted to
I don't think that I'd get to you
There's nothing I can say to you to make you feel alive again
Here. A little jealousy
I hope you think of me
Hope you wonder where I sleep at night (sleep at night)
Cause I feel like I'm inside out
You got me upside down
Maybe I was holding on too tight
Even if I wanted to
I don't think that I'd get to you
There's nothing I can say to you to make you feel alive again
So don't just say goodbye to me
Just turn your back away and leave
And if you're lucky I will be your last regret, your only friend
The two of us we dream like one
The two of us, the two of us
The two of us take breath like one
The two of us, the two of us
[x2]
I guess that this is over now
I guess it's called the falling out
But everyday I'm learning how to make it through this life I'm in
Even if I wanted to
I don't think that I'd get to you
There's nothing I can say to you to make you feel alive again
So don't just say goodbye to me
Just turn your back away and leave
And if you're lucky I will be your last regret, your only friend
Friday, November 26, 2004
hope all of you are having a good turkey day....mines been an up and down kinda day....hopefully tomorrow will be better....i haven't really gotten to see everyone wanted to....i really hope i get around to seeing everyone....*sigh*....anyway hope ya'll enjoyed the holiday....i'm outie
from the city of....carrots i guess,
Joy
Current mood: blah Current music: tv...eh
Thursday, November 18, 2004
chris, i'm not watching movies w/ you anymore motherfucker....you guessed it i didn't sleep again cuz of you and those damn movies....once the niquil wore off it was all down hill from there....why else would i be up so damn early, especially when i don't have class till 9:30....no more zombie movies for me....i can handle vampires and werewolves and that stuff....but dead ppl coming back to life, hell no....oh well....yeah so i'm keeping chris up tonight cuz this is the second time he's done this to me....lol chris, you're an ass you know that right....anyway
the only good thing about being up this early....i actually get to eat breakfast:)....and i don't have to cram for a test or anything while i do it....damn i'm really hungry lol
my room mate and that damn alarm....first off she never comes in till like 6:30....then she sets the alarm for 7....then she just keeps hitting the snooze button till like 7:45....and then she brushes her teeth and leaves for class....and most days that's the last i see of her till 6:30 the next morning....i understand she works full time and has a fiance and stuff....she's 20 btw, if anyone is thinking it's weird that she's a freshman in college and engaged....but why does she have to interrupt my sleep....
*sigh* oh well @ least i might be moving soon....not cuz of that though....since i practically live alone i've been getting really depressed lately....living alone is obviously not the sole cause....but it is something i might be able to change....where as many of the other cause i can't control or change....so i should find out sometime this week if there are any ppl in my building looking for a roomate....
wow i wrote alot....see how much work you can get done when you don't sleep....lol....ok i'm gonna go eat....peace out
from the city of brotherly love,
Joy
Current mood:  pissed off & really hungry :s Current music: "faint"-linkin park
i registered for spring semester today....well it's actually yesterday now but w/e....the bad part: i don't like the classes i'm taking....the good part: i start everyday @ 11 and i'm done by 3....that means lots more sleep for me :)....chris and i tried but didn't get any classes together....as far as i know i have none of my friends in any of my classes....which is really no big deal....not like it was back in high school....
so it seems that since it's right before thanksgiving all the teachers are easing up on the homework....they're trying to give ppl a chance to work on research projects....@ least that's what my teachers are doing....so since we had nothing to do, chris and i watched the resident evil sequel....@ least i got some resolution....but is one was more graphic....better cg special effects....anyway i took niquil....that should knock me out and keep me for thinking about it....
^_^OMG I'M GOING HOME TOMORROW!!!^_^
see all ya'll out on the west coast soon....i'm outie
from the city of brotherly love,
Joy
Current mood:  sleepy Current music: "do you believe in what you want"-jimmy eat world
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
http://soulesschild.hiveports.com/love.html
hey ya'll....this is just a link that sammie sam sent me....it's really sweet and it really almost made me cry(i'm pathetic i know)...i think you all should see it and send it to others....knowing you've got friends never hurt anyone....also know that it does apply to all my friends....here and back in cali....even if they say they don't care about me i, still care about them....the point....once you're friends w/ some one you care about them....and no matter what happens btwn you two a part of you will always care about them....so i leave you w/ that warm fuzzy for the night....share the love....peace out
from the city of brotherly love,
Joy
Current mood:  pensive Current music: "giving it all away"-ashlee simpson (in my head)
Sunday, November 14, 2004
so i finally dyed my hair....after talking about it since like last year....it looks ok....i thought it would be darker....i don't know....i'll put up pics as soon as i figure out how....maybe becky or aubrey can help me when i get home....even though most of the time i don't wanna go home....i know a break up is a dumb reason to not wanna go home but it's like i was telling sam and nikki....cuz it was such a huge thing for me i feel now like everything is gonna be different....and it's all gonna be bad....deep down i can't wait to see my friends....especially pancho....but i'm really scared....it doesn't help me the way he's been acting....of course he'ld probably say the same thing about me....i don't know....sam took the phone he gave me away today to keep me from calling him cuz i get so depressed when i talk to him....it's good to know that @ least ppl here care about me....don't get me wrong all my friends @ home have been caring and supportive too....it's just since i live here now it's really important to know that ppl here will help me when i need it....even if i think i don't need it....anyway it's getting late....i was up till @ least 4am every night this weekend....didn't get drunk once....kinda wish i had....it would've been a nice little escape....oh well....that's enough for today....i'm out
from the city of brotherly love,
Joy
p.s.
not like anyone cares but i'll be home in like 5 days
Current mood:  confused Current music: "just a little bit"-maria mena
Thursday, November 11, 2004
i hate this....what hell am i suppose to do....every little thing reminds me of him....damn it....well i did do this to myself....i guess then i should hate me....well that won't be hard, after all i've had years of practice....i only wish i knew what do to....i did a very dumb thing today....all my friend told me not to call him....but did i listen no....and i've been messed up ever since....not even ben and jerry's and the oc helped....it's sad, we used to joke about the oc being my friend nikki's life....well it looks like season two is gonna be mine....pretty pathetic i know....and now i'm feeling sick to my stomach again....nothing matters anymore....i was supposed to go to penn state this weekend w/ sam but it looks like that's not gonna happen which really sucks....going to bed....sleep is my only escape....i'm out
Joy
p.s.
for all of you who are worried, don't be....i'm just gonna feel like this for a awhile....i'm gonna be ok....eventually....i hope....anyway don't worry, k
Current mood:  sick Current music: "sick cyle carousel"-lifehouse
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